In the final part of my series on marriage prep I want to talk about sex.
Before doing so, I have to say that this has been a fun series. While the four subjects I’ve discussed are not the only things I talk about in premarital counseling, they are the subjects that couples are commonly struggling with when I do my first year check-up with them.
I hope this series has been helpful to both those considering marriage and those already married.
The world will tell you that the way to prepare for sex in marriage is to have sex before marriage. Experiment, they say, after all if you can’t make it work in the bedroom what chance do you have of making it work in the other areas of your relationship. Is it any surprise that the world has it 100% back wards?
The Bible makes it clear that from the beginning sex was to be the final piece of completing intimacy not the first (Genesis 2:18-25). What is sad is that so many Christian teens and young adults follow the world’s cues in this area. What is even sadder is that so many Christian teens and young adults don’t have a healthy biblical view of sex. Many are simply told to abstain from sex with no further dialogue on God’s design and purposes for sex. Another classic case of the church promoting “don’t” without teaching the “do”.
So, let’s clarify with the 3 “P”’s.
Procreation (Gen 1:28, Ps 127:3-5, Deut 11:18-19, Prov 1:8)
God designed sex for reproduction. However, reproduction itself is not the end goal, rather reproduction of a godly line. Let’s be clear about this, there is no command to have children (Adam and Eve were told to multiply but there is no such explicit command to us), but we are instructed that children are a gift from God and ought to be raised to love and serve God.
Pleasure (Prov 5:18-19, Song of Solomon)
Sex is intended for pleasure and enjoyment. It has been said that God is the author of sexual pleasure, not the censor. What the world tells us is sexual freedom is in fact sinful bondage.
Protection (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
Sex is intended to protect husbands and wives from temptation. Sex within the confines of marriage is a safety zone for the fullest expression of intimacy and enjoyment. Furthermore, each spouse is responsible for the sexual fulfillment of the other. Again, the world is 100% opposite the Bible when they say that you need to find your own sexual fulfillment.
So there it is. If your girlfriend/boyfriend is pressuring you to have sex you should question their commitment to God and his Word and this should be a red flag!
A final word to young women.
Please understand how important it is for you to have a healthy view of sex as you head into marriage. It’s normal to be nervous but that’s not what I’m talking about. Too many Christian women head into marriage thinking that sex is only for procreation. It’s the old school view that it’s a dirty job but at some point you have to do it. Understand the best thing you can do for your mate is remain pure AND THEN enjoy discovering true physical intimacy together. The more initiative you take the more you will drive your man crazy.
A final word to young men.
First, understand that if you currently lose the battle against pornography getting married won’t cure you. One of the most over distorted verses is 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. Marriage offers a safe place to have your sexual needs fulfilled but it does not cure sin! You WILL carry all of your mental pornographic baggage into your marriage along with false expectations of what sex should be like. Then, when you get rejected (headaches happen) you will turn back to the pornography creating further damage. Deal with your sin now! Get accountability, which may include sharing your struggle with your fiancé at some point, and commit to eliminating this sin and seeking purity.
Second, realize that while you have been dating to marry, you need to marry to date. By this I mean that when you say “I do” it is not the end of romance. Women are gentle and need a lot of romance. They don’t walk around thinking about sex like you. They need to be warmed up. If you begin your marriage by starting a pattern whereby you make it clear that all you are interested in is 3 minutes of “happy time”, your wife will catch on quick and begin to shut down. For her sex will truly become a “duty” not an intimate expression of oneness. Every day you must say “I do” to her all over again by showing her how special she is and letting her know that she is your #1 choice, even if you don’t get to have sex at the end of the day.
Well, that ends this series!
Do you still think you have what it takes?
I hope this has been helpful and I look forward to hearing from you.
2 comments:
Rev interesting stuff here but you left one factor out. What if one person in the relationship has already had sex or both had sex what do we do then? How do we curb those temptations?
Ahh there you are...came a little late to the party but you made it none the less.
You ask a great question and if we were discussing this in person I'd make you tell me the answer because it's pretty simple and you know it. In fact, I want to joke around with you but instead I will be straight forward.
The reality is many couples, including Christian couples, enter marriage having already engaged in sex and sexual activity. I address this upfront in my premarital counseling and require both parties to commit to refraining from any more sex until they are married. The Bible is straight forward on this.
"It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit." 1 Thess 4:3-8
Again, the question is how serious are you about God? Do you want to honor him or just do what you want? Do you want to "play" marriage or be serious about God's intentions for marriage?
"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." Heb 13:4
Having said all of that I realize the heart of your question is about dealing with the temptation.
The simple answer is, how do you deal with any temptation?
"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." 2 Tim 2:22
1.Repent
Determine that God's way is the right way and repent.
2.Put "Barriers" in place
If you're living together, stop. If being alone in a room together late at night brings heavy temptation, stop it.
The fact is you know what arouses your temptation and you even know what gets your partner going, so determine to avoid those things.
3.Deal with is like all sin
Remember that you are not a slave to this sin so choose not to do it and see God's power displayed in your life.
Finally, remember that there are consequences to sin. Yes, God forgives but that does not mean that he eliminates the consequences. There is a good chance that one of you will have to deal with resurfacing feelings of guilt once you get married and both of you will have to work to redefine your sex life in God's terms not the worlds.
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